I Owe, I Owe

But what about the Actor in the drama of life? What does he look like? How does he act? Can you spot the acting over reality? Is he peaceful and comfortable in his demeanor? How about restful? Or is the make-up, the mask, so thick it obscures all pain within, like the tears of a clown? After all, when was the last time you saw behind the clown's make-up? His world is usually one of make believe. And those that are in an Abused system are making believe they are that which they are not. Truly, they are in a world of make believe. No different than that of the clown in appearance, yet quite different in the spiritual.

The Christian, acting on the stage of life, takes on many characters, forms and dispositions in order to project and convincing portrait of truth to his audience. His disguises vary with his surrounding and with those he is with. If his surroundings are among the Church group, his character takes on a super spiritual, well dressed, joyful and happy one. One that projects a peace that passes all understanding. The others, in the church play, take on the same character and the audience can't tell one character from another. All playing to each others audiences mentality, while the director sets the stage. In all this the abused develops a real distorted image of the God he loves and serves.

He sees a God who is never satisfied. A God who keeps moving the bar higher and higher, all the while seeming to enjoy the fact that you keep missing the mark set. Trying to pole vault over the highest bar set by God, with the shortest pole. He sees a vindictive God who waits to crucify him when she slips and falters. A God who likes to point out all the flaws and failures that must be punished, at the same time giving you the short end of the stick to try to please the crowd.

The abused also comes to see his God as an apathetic one who watches His creation become abused and hurt, yet apparently does nothing to prevent it. God, why do require this of me? Don't you love me? Can't you stop all this hurt, pain and sorrow? Why do you turn your back on me when I stumble and fail? Why do you run away from the Devil? Are you not more powerful than he? Can you not see the audience is laughing at me?

Although the believer knows (or at least hopes) his salvation is by grace and not dependant upon works, his position next to Jesus is. His God has become the Santa God of his belief. He knows if you've been sleeping, He knows if your awake, He knows if you've been bad or good, so BE Good for goodness sake. He is a rewarder of the good righteous believer, or the destroyer of the misdeeds of His children. Even to the point of losing ones salvation and eternity. Perhaps He is better known as Satan God to the Abused believer. Santa God gives according to your behavior and Satan God takes according to the same behavior. No wonder the abused cannot tell the difference between the two.

As the abused grows in the act, he becomes preoccupied with his performance. He draws deep within his character, searching for ways to grow spiritually. He reads his Bible daily, prays for a minimum of an hour a day, memorizes Scripture, dances in the Spirit, runs the aisles and adheres to all the right formulas of how things are properly done, so as to receive the acclaim of " Isn't he spiritual?" "Doesn't he walk close to God?" Acclamation by proclamation and not by revelation.

But the preoccupation with his performance results in him having both a self-righteous, judgmental and shameful attitude. His pendulum swings from spiritual superiority, to one of shame, condemnation and inferiority. A negative assessment of himself where no matter what he does to please God, he can never measure up. His pole is too short to vault over the bar set. Both his judgments are measured against a bar set by the director of the acts, but not by the Producer and Financier of the play.

The self-righteous one is that of I am right and you are wrong. My beliefs, doctrines and insights into the Word and will of God is the correct one. I and I alone understand what God wants of me and you and if you go against my belief, god will strike you down and send you to hell. The believer hears this from the director (god) in the pulpit and in turn directs the same actions towards others he meets, both in the church system and to the world in general.

The condemnation comes in when one judges others and finds he can't live up to the same judgments he has inflicted. Thus he becomes condemned, depressed and even fearful of his God. This in turn, leads to his claim of repentance, culminating in renewed self-righteousness. And the circle continues, the act goes round and round and the play never ends. Condemnation becomes one of the prime movers in his behavior, condemning him to self-righteous judgments which leads to further condemnation. Will the circle be unbroken?, so the song goes. As long as the believer thinks he is worthless in the eyes of God, a worm before His presence or "just" a sinner saved by grace, he will never break the chains of bondage brought about by the director of the play. He must trust in the Producer, for without him the play can never be made and the director can never direct a play that has not been financed.

God does not love "even me", as if you are unwanted. He SO loved the world, He gave His Son. Condemnation does not allow the love of the SO but dwells on the "even" and only IF.. It is self-deprecation, self-humiliation and self-debasing, brought about by the directors, that cause the actor to act out what he does. It was a learned and imbedded understanding of what the directors believe their Producer wants, for the end result to be accepted by Him.

Because the S.A. follows the pendulum, he follows strictly the Scripture of working out your own salvation with fear and trembling. All of which he does proficiently and to the letter of the script. But the script that is given the actor, is a page at a time. He never gets to see the whole play at once, nor is he allowed to speak directly to the Producer to see what He desires of him. Communication must come from the director of the play. The Producer does not speak with the peasants! He is above that!

So work and work, the believer does, all the while missing the grace of the Producer. The free gifts He wishes to abundantly give His children are shunned for the work related relationship he believes God wants, in return for the "free" gifts. I owe, I owe God so much, it's off to work I go, so that I can pay for what I do not owe. The more I work, the more I perform, the more I can pay back God what I don't owe Him, and someday, someday when I die, I will owe God nothing and will be able to receive the gift that God will give me, IF I am good. The gift of the Cross is left for the work of the flesh. The S.A. does not realize that the work of the flesh was removed by the gift of the Cross. I OWE.

This, in turn, leads to a martyr complex. All the work I do for God is a sacrifice. I sacrifice my time, effort and money.. lots of money. I endure the insults of being a Christian. I crucify myself daily, for God to love me. I do, I did, I will become who I am. I, I, I the martyr, for Christ's sake! I become the martyr in the wilderness of touch not, taste not, handle not. He becomes a celibate monk hiding in the wilderness mentality of seclusion, believing that God requires this of him in order for Him to love her. And the circle to be broken, grows ever larger and larger, while closing ever tighter and tighter around you, chocking all the Life that was once given you to Live.

The S.A. is like an alcoholic who knows he drinks too much, he knows he is performing, yet will not admit he is in an alcoholic state. The audience can see it, but to comment to the actor is not what an audience is supposed to do. So the Actor continues to drink and the director continues to give him the alcohol. The alcoholic must come back to the director for his fix, for he knows of no other place where he can get the Wine of His enjoyment.

The S.A. denies he is being subjected to any kind of abuse when confronted by it. I'm not an alcoholic. I do not work for my salvation. I enjoy a few drinks every now and then and help out in the church washing the floors and mowing the lawn. Most often it is on Sundays services, Tuesdays prayer meetings, and Thursdays midweek services, but its not all the time. Oh yeah, forgot sometimes on Saturday outreach to the community. But I am not drunk on my church. Oh, again, I forgot Friday night stuffing mailboxes with flyers of invitation.

A drunk does not know he is drunk, when he is drunk. An alcoholic does not know he is an alcoholic, when he is under the influence of alcohol. A Spiritually Abused believer does not know he is being abused when he is always under the influence of the one giving him drink. One most often can only see and feel this, after he has stepped out of the act and been hung over with sickness for a while. The trouble with drunks and alcoholics is, they will return to the director for another drink of what he is selling.

As with the Alcoholic, the S.A. has to come to the realization that he is an alcoholic. He must remove himself from the play and from the directors. He must realize that his condition is self inflicted, for the Producer never intended the actor to perform in such a manner. He never requested the actor to pay for something the Producer was willing to give him. The Producer gave the Manual directly to the Actor, so that he could read the whole play and come to understand that everything that was in the Script, was already in him. When he follows the Script within, he need NO directors.

I Owe, I Owe. No, you were never in debt.

Namaste

Sirius 8
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